Beware deep water ahead...
I do what I have to do, and I do it knowing, KNOWING, that it hurts.
Therapy Day is one of those things. No amount of mental prep will stop the pain experience. Nothing to do but grit my teeth, put on a smile, and eat pain.
Trying to walk with crutches in chest deep water is agony beyond measure. Every movement ignites another nerve and sends shockwaves through my body.
But water, the pool, these are my element. I may not be a pisces, but I'm definitely a 🐟.
But now this element is one of my major pain points during the week. And I know it is essential that I face this pain head on. Accept that it is inevitable. And make it mine.
But how? How can I do that?
One of my favorite things to do either before or after therapy is shallow water free diving - spending time holding my breath underwater in the deep end of the pool (maxed out at 3:35 so far).
In the deep end I find a point of equilibrium where I'm suspended between the ground and the air above, stretched out, almost in the natural standing position, without having my feet on the ground.
No movement or splashing. Static in the deep water.
And I do this in search of tranquility despite the ridiculous amounts of scorching pain throbbing in my legs.
The calm. The peace. The quiet. These are rare in a world of constant shocks to my system and the beeps, blings, and bangs that are part of life beyond the water.
Don't get me wrong the #pewpewlife is one I adore. But this time underwater is a moment of silence so deep as I find myself listening to my heart beat.
And willing my heart to slow and find peace is soothing.
Reminds me of moments with a sniper rifle and the calm that comes just before pulling the trigger.
#CRPS may keep me in a constant state of fight or flight - seeking to protect my legs from even the slightest touch - but once I'm already deep in the pain of therapy, literally in deep water, there is little I can do but seek the point of complete ataraxia. A state of freedom from the emotions and anxiety that are part and parcel to this pain.
So I find myself in this deep water. Seeking my center. My core being.