Sometimes we get stuck in negative dynamics with coworkers – there’s ongoing conflict, you can’t see eye-to-eye, or the relationship never moves past bland pleasantries.
The good news is even strained work relationships can often be repaired and turned into stronger, more resilient connections.
The bad news is that it takes serious effort.
But a followership perspective can help make it easier.
Especially if the conflict is with your leader.
But also if it is with a fellow employees.
The First Step
The first step is giving up the fixation on who is right and who is wrong.
Even though you are not the leader, you have to want this change to happen.
To do that the first thing you need to do it ask yourself – how “right” am I.
Imagine for a moment that it isn’t an all or nothing game.
If someone were to challenge you – saying “wanna bet on your position” what percentage would you give to the veracity of your “truth.”
Would you bet $100 that you are absolutely right? How about $1,000?
If you cannot say with 100% certainty that you hold the absolute truth, then there is room for you to be wrong…
Which gives you the ability to engage the next step with greater ease.
Step Two
If you are not 100% correct, then the other person is also not 100% wrong.
And that means you can start to put your ego aside and be the bigger person, even if you feel you are the one who has been wronged.
Interestingly, now that we’ve decided the other person isn’t 100% wrong, you may actually want to take up Psychologist Susan David’s recommendation – Imagine for a moment that the other person has an “I’m wrong” sticker on their back.
This step helps shift your mindset away from assigning blame.
You “know” that they are mostly in the wrong. Maybe not 100% wrong, but mostly. And as far as you are concerned, it is written on their back…
Now What?
Once we have moved away from the blame game, we need to consider our mindset.
Are we stuck in the past or can we be future oriented in our thinking.
We could spend our time rehashing all the negative past details, buuuuuut it might be better to take a solution-focused approach.
This is the hardest step for me in this process.
There are a couple of things you may want to do here.
- You can focus on what HAS worked well previously.
- If you can’t find anything then we move on to the next focus – What can you do do to change the relationship going forward?
- Ask yourself, are you prepared to place a bet on the future – if we can find resolution what will that future look like?
The E word
Now that we are future thinking, it is time to take the plunge into action
To do that you may need to actually take time to create an empathy map like those used in Design Thinking.
Ask yourself how the other person sees the situation to get into their mindset. What are they seeing, hearing, feeling, and saying about how you relate with them.
What goals are driving them in the relationship?
Once you’ve done that, share how you would like to see the relationship with a trusted adviser and ask yourself how you can build empathy going forward.
This can help reset the emotional tone.
Lastly
Look for common ground.
What are your shared challenges?
What are your shared goals?
Find shared experiences that make you feel aligned.
Now What?
Take it off the home turf.
Ask the person to meet at a neutral place like a coffee shop. Let them know that you want to focus on finding common ground, not bring up past wrongs.
Clearly, one conversation won’t fix everything.
Progress will happen through the many small, everyday actions you take to change the dynamic over time.
And while you may want the other person to change, you cannot control what they do.
So focus on how you can change your actions based on what you’ve learned.
Demonstrate your trustworthiness through actions – offer help without expecting anything in return.
Ask thoughtful questions.
Create connection and build the relationship through credibility, reliability, intimacy and a clear focus on other oriented thinking.
And when you need to give feedback, focus.
Find the positives and then Discuss specific behaviors you’d like to change. And then set clear expectations for when you will check in again.
And show that you are open to receiving constructive feedback as well.
Hard Work
Repairing relationships is hard work, but worth it.
Building trust impacts your productivity and performance.
See these rough patches as a way to make the relationship stronger.
By seeking empathy, looking for common ground, and making consistent efforts to rebuild trust and goodwill you can positively impact your relationship with your leader and teammates.
With time and effort, even broken work relationships can be mended.
Want help? Let’s Chat!
